gooseberryhigh | (no subject)

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[warded to rosy]

We can start a list of the benefits of me graduating if it makes you feel better.

1. As a prefect, next year you won't have to worry about my reputation reflecting badly on you. Because it's kinda a shit reputation. Like it's sold as is but it was probably a bad investment.

[warded to Avery]

Hey. You alright? I know you're not a conflict prone person.

[warded to Cricket]

It wasn't wrong of me to joke to your friends on your post, and you know it.

You and me were almost friends once. I don't remember what I did to make you pissed at me, but it was probably a dick move, because I'm a dick. Or just my general attitude. I don't know. I'm trying to change it.

We got the rest of this month then we're done. I'll ignore your posts from here until then if you want that space. I'm sorry it escalated, I know that's shitty to deal with.

[...]

But I don't agree with how you treat Avery when she defends me. I think it's shit. You know she's a good person. You shouldn't shit on her just because she defends me. And you should probably apologize to her because she deserves it. She's finding her voice right now and you shouldn't shut her down just because it doesn't agree with you.

But I'm done fighting. You got a problem with me, straight up tell me it and I'll fix it. I'm tired of this catty bullshit, I'm not trying to fuck you over.

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I feel awful.

And I should. I got defensive and was mean to Cricket.

But I just can't stand when people insinuate you aren't a good person. [...] Your support and advice this year got me to find the confidence to kiss boys. To come out. To feel more comfortable in my skin. I want everyone to see that.

I know. You're not mean.

[...]

I don't want to make you [...] be mean just to defend me. I don't want you to defend me and then feel like shit afterwards. Like you shouldn't have to change who you are to prove that I'm not a complete dick. If you have to, then doesn't that kinda make me a dick?

I try really hard to not be.

Chris. You didn't make me. You didn't do anything. I could have defended you without being mean. I chose the wrong way to go about it. That's on me, not you. You ARE a dick. But not a complete dick, you're not lacking basic human decency, you're not awful, your goal is not to hurt and/or antagonize every person you come into contact with. That's what pisses me off. Me being mean about it isn't on you, though.

It's not my goal anymore. Guess I waited too long to grow up. I know it pisses you off. It pisses me off when people misread Levi. It pisses me off when they called Ivy's prank on Casey cruel and when they project their irritation with me at you. But this shit is perception. You got a different perception of me, I got a different one of Levi. They don't get that perception because they write us off into boxes because if we're not building campfire to distract the innocent youths from the big bad anonymous post and holding hands then we're assholes. But normal people aren't like that.

And when we're put in those boxes we just embrace the fucking boxes because changing somebody's perception of you is like pushing a rock up a hill of quicksand. I didn't know that when I was a freshman. I didn't know that shit a fucking year ago. I was slow as fuck with the pick up and that was probably annoying as fuck. I thought I could be better but sometimes it doesn't matter if you're better, sometimes it matters how fucking long it took you to get better.

But you never put me in a box. You told me a secret in a moment of weakness. You were crying and you were terrified. It's basic human decency to tell you that it'll be okay and to treat you no different because you weren't different. I got to see a different side of you that nobody else at that time did. And I'm glad I didn't fuck that up because I've been fucking up a lot of opportunities.

It's okay for you to decide that I'm a decent fucking human. That's not a low bar to clear. That is the bar we should all be trying to clear. That is our bar. I'm glad you trusted me, and I'm glad I didn't fail and turn out to be fucking horrible. That's all that matters here.

[...] That was all really sad.

You don't just have basic human decency. Even human decency isn't that basic, because we all have different upbringings and beliefs. You are so much more than just 'basic.' You don't meet just the bare minimum of niceness, you excelled beyond it. You didn't just say oh thats fine and move on, you helped me figure my shit out. You took my biggest fear at the time and showed me it was okay, helped me move past that. You taught me how to fucking kiss after admitting I was transgender and that I was scared no one would ever love me or want me.

That's not fucking basic. Maybe you fuck up a lot of opportunities because that's what people expect of you. I never expected that. I gave you the chance to be good to me and you were because I trusted you to do that. They don't give you that chance because they don't understand you and don't care to try. Instead of trying to understand, the demean and belittle you and make you feel less than and like an asshole. Just like people did to me. They didn't understand me so they tried to make me feel wrong, bad, self-conscious.

So shut the fuck up, okay? You did grow, you learned, and I expect you to be good. Don't shut yourself down and act like you're only clearing the lowest bar because that's what people who don't understand you expect.

Edited 2017-06-09 12:58 (UTC)

Okay. Don't get used to this because I'm gonna be honest.

When I got here, I was terrified of failing. It fucked me up. It was suffocating. I couldn't sleep. I was never hungry. It was like I could visually see myself falling behind everybody else, who were already miles ahead of me. I knew about magic for probably two years before I got here. And I might as well have been attending school under water, for how little I knew.

Nobody really pulled me out. Ryan was here, terrified, drowning, it was like the fucking blind leading the blind, forced into two separate houses on opposite sides of this campus. I didn't tell anybody. I figured I'd either quietly drown to death or I'd figure it out. I obviously figured it out. But the energy I invested in figuring it out was nauseating. That was hell for me. Fear is a way of dying. You live in that fear for long enough and you start to project everything into that fear with you. You're terrified of failing and suddenly everybody thinks you're stupid or beneath them or they know you're miles behind them, even if nobody believes that, it doesn't matter because you know they believe it. It fucks up everything.

It doesn't matter that you have a best friend that knows you and doesn't believe these things, because they're different. Having Ryan wasn't good enough. You looked like you might be drowning too, because having your one friend isn't good enough either. You need to know that other people outside of you don't believe those things about you too. It was hell for me. I figured I could ease your hell. Yours has been for life. Mine was for a year. You came out of it kind, I came out of it defensive and argumentative and I took a real long time to figure out that it doesn't have to be that way.

[...]

And sometimes I slip up and make a joke and feel just fucking bad about it. Almost immediately. Doesn't matter what kind of joke. i been one way for so long that sometimes I relax and fall right back into step with it, and realize that changing your behavior is a constant, everyday censorship. Like I fucked myself over right from the start with being how I am, because now being not an asshole is like wearing a fucking mask and hoping everybody fucking believes the illusion. Doesn't matter if I'm being honest, it feels like an illusion to me. And then I remember that this is how some prefects have been all year, and try to stop being a little bitch about it.

I'll be reading this through my "once in a lifetime" glasses, then.

~~Jesus, Chris, that's fucking awful~~

We had entirely different issues. I thought if I was kind, compliant, non-combative, I could blend in better. No one would notice I was different. I had a lot of issues when I was younger, I ran away from home, I begged my parents, threatened them, and eventually forced them to give up their parental rights. I got in fights. Gooseberry, for me, was a place I could be Avery. I wasn't Nick anymore. I was Avery. No one knew that other side of me here, except Ollie. I got that opportunity to start over. I could shine here for who I wanted to be and who I knew I was inside, not who everyone saw or remembered me as.

You came here for an opportunity, too, but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows for you like it was for me. You immediately felt behind, judged, and were written off. If I came here and couldn't pass as a girl this whole time, couldn't show everyone how "normal" I am and how much of a girl I am it may not have been this easy. I may have become bitter, hardened, depressed, abrasive. I get entirely how you feel, but you had to deal with that shit longer than I did. I have to deal with being trans my whole life, yeah, but I got relief, acceptance, and a way to hide earlier than you did.

I got a fresh start. You got an uphill battle. If I wasn't hell-bent on coming out because you gave me the courage to do so, I could have come and gone through Gooseberry as Avery Davenport, normal girl. No one would have known the difference. That doesn't make you slow, dumb, bad, or less capable of dealing with bad things than I am. I see in you what you see in me. I see a kind person. We can all be dicks sometimes. I've said some things I'm not proud of either.

I'm defensive too, just in a different way. It's not a better way, it's just different. The longer people treat you like crap for the first mistake you make and never give you a chance to see growth or change, it's easy to keep falling back and continuing to make those mistakes. Particularly when you get shit even when you don't 'fuck up.'

I love you, Chris. You ARE my best friend. I don't have to stop and think and try and grasp for a way to say something nice about you because I get you. I understand.

Don't flatter yourself too much. There are like eight things at any given time that reflect badly on me as a prefect.

Are all eight of them just different variations of spelling Sy's name?

~~What the fuck is that sup~~ ~~He's actually been relativel~~

No.

[...]

That was an accident.

I'll drag down my own reputation.

Can't be by being a dick. I'm pretty sure the teacher of how to not be a dick in public isn't allowed to drag down her reputation by being a dick.

Hey, I'll do what I want. Being a hypocrite sounds kind of freeing.

Lots of things sound freeing. Doesn't mean we should be doing them.

But I was going to suggest dropping out of school and getting jobs at the Starbucks in Logan next.

Quitters never win, Rosemary. Isn't that our bumper sticker by now?

It's actually "Quitters never win, Stokers never quit, but Stokers do occasionally get kicked out of things and that's not their fault."

So what you're saying is I should get kicked out of school so I can go get that job at Starbucks in Logan.

The saying is actually, "Quitters never win, Stokers never quit, Stokers need to take accountability for their actions and stop letting themselves get kicked out of things, getting kicked out of school would definitely be their fault if it happened to them, because shit like that doesn't just happen on whim, what the fuck."

Let me fantasize about this mythical feeling known as "freedom" excessively long bumper sticker. God knows I'll never actually achieve it.

If you want to drop out and live in Logan and learn how to work a muggle cash register in addition to a muggle coffee machine and all the muggle words for everything, you can do that. You deserve to be happy.

That sounds terrifying.

Not learning all the muggle shit.

The happy part.

I'll teach you all the muggle shit if it helps you be happy dude

I think it'll take a little more than that, but thanks for the offer. You can still teach me all the names of the machines so I can fantasize about it when I'm busting my ass at a high-paying job I despise, though.

I'll also teach you how to not bust your ass at a high paying job you despise.

You're just full of lessons designed to destroy my pessimism, aren't you?

Im like a fucking optimist now or some shit

That's not very hot.

This is all a bit overblown.

I think it's best if we just stay away from one another.

I know its overblown. It's kinda the theme of this school.

But okay.

I don't hate you, Chris. If that counts for anything.

I don't hate you either.

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