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[Warded Private]

I'm reaching out to you because I love you, but also because apparently it's ok for you to get all your feelings out about how terrible I am but not about your trauma regarding last year. Congrats on dealing with the wrong problem.

Regardless, this is not about that. This is about you, me, and the argument that we had.

By now you should have realized that I am blunt and can come off as cruel. It's rarely intended that way, but somehow in your infinite dramatic capacity, you still take everything I say as some sharp jab at you. Thus, I'm forced to censor myself even more than usual so that I can, hopefully, provide some helpful words. And here I am.

Still, I can already feel the prickles of discomfort on the back of my neck as I consider what can go wrong in this conversation that I am going to desperately attempt to be civil in. I suppose ultimately, though, the end goal is for you to get help, so even if I upset you horribly as long as that's achieved I'll be all right. But I hate this, Sofia. Very, very much. If this goes sideways, I'm not talking to one of your friends who's trying to get me to make amends with you again.

[Warded to Sofia]

I saw you at the plunge today, and it was difficult to not speak with you. So. Here I am. I'm reaching out to you because I love you, and I want you to be safe and happy. Please consider this an olive branch. I'm here for you.

Oh, and congrats on your Animagus transformation.

[Warded to Wilde]

It's done. I'm sure you'll hear the outcome from her.

[Warded to Calvin]

I'm attempting this new tactic where I write out everything I want to say in a private ward and then say all my idiotic platitudes to the actual person. It'll bite me in the ass if we have a ward breakdown like last year, but I'm optimistic that this will make me seem "nicer." I'll let you know how it goes. Managing team wards will become infinitely more palatable for us if it works, I think. I'm almost excited.

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Are you high?

No, I'm just trying to make amends.

~~As long as I don't talk about my feelings right~~

Finding that hard to believe, but okay.

And I'm fine for the most part. The animagus thing was.. exhausting and irritating, but I managed.

Are you doing okay?

[...]

I know it can be difficult to believe sometimes, but I do care about you. So I'd rather still have you in my life.

That's good. I can imagine that could be stressful. I'm glad nothing bad came of it.

I'm fine. Busy.

You made me sound like a burden on you or something. Again, for the record, I don't want or need you to take care of me. I'm not your responsibility, you're not required to listen to my problems, and I don't want you feeling like you have to do anything, okay? I'm your sister, not your child.

So, yeah. We're good now.

How come you went home instead of Disney?

It wasn't my intention to make you sound like a burden on me.

[...]

I'm glad we're good again.

Disney isn't overly appealing to me, and I wanted some time to unwind. Did you enjoy Paris?

[Warded Private]
If you would just take care of yourself then I wouldn't have to do anything. So please just take care of yourself.

Also, I'm nervous because this was so easy.

You have a sharp tongue so it's hard to tell what you really mean.

So am I.

No, I guess I wouldn't have jumped at the chance to go to Disney World either. Paris was nice, but I don't get the big romantic fruitiness of it. Probably because my soul is black.

I know.

I know a lot of my class enjoyed themselves, at least. It was good to go home, though, even though it was freezing this year.

[...........]

That's unfortunate, about ~~the black soul~~ not getting it, but it happens.

If it's even colder there, I definitely don't want to go home for Christmas.

It's better not to be a lovesick imbecile, in my opinion. Went to a rave with Phin, though, and that was pretty great.

[...] It's meant to be a cold winter, I think, but it would be nice if you came home.

Agreed. And that sounds fun.

I don't know if I really want to. I guess we'll see.

[......] Well, it's up to you. Let me know what you decide.

Interesting way of handling it. There's something to be said for venting before trying to interact with whoever you're currently dealing with. Although bottling up real concerns and issues can be problematic in the long run... or so I'm told.

Although there are some people with whom an argument is never constructive. Grin and bear it, as they say.

I'm all for airing grievances when productive, but like you said, there are many people where it's problematic.

[...]

I'm trying to smooth things over with Sofia, so I need to remain as level-headed as possible.

I had a feeling that might be what this was about. Level-headed is absolutely the way to go with her.

[...] Do you think it'll work?

Drat, I've become painfully transparent.

Honestly? I don't really have high hopes. I want it to work, but [...] I'm afraid I'll say too much again.

It's not your fault. There are only a few people whom you have that contentious of a relationship with: Todd, Avery and Sofia. I can't imagine you being this invested the first two.

If it turns into a discussion, try explaining how she's making you feel? I know that's out of your comfort zone.

Edited 2017-12-02 23:34 (UTC)

Definitely not that invested in the first two.

It's not worth it. It comes out harsh, every time. Better to be safe. ~~I just want this conversation to be over, anyway.~~ [...] I don't mean to drag you into this. I just need to get things out every once in a while, I guess.

I'm glad you're back from your horrifying Azurcrest exile.

Please don't apologise. I don't mind hearing it, and if I can help I will. If you insist on keeping all your true thoughts and feelings quiet, then you'll probably need someone who can handle hearing them. Otherwise you'll go mad.

So am I. They're idiots, but harmless. [...] It did highlight a problem I've been having recently, though.

I guess. It means a lot, in any case. I really don't like this sort of thing, so it takes a lot out of me.

They've mentally scarred you and me by proximity - not so harmless.

What problem is that?

I know. It has to be done, though, and you're doing the best you can. I hope you feel better once it's settled.

[........] Don't tell anyone (not that I honestly worry that you would), but [...] I think I'm developing feelings for Micah.

Yes, I am trying at least. I just wish Sofia understood me a little better. Or, at least, didn't take such offense.

[...........] What? That seems very ill-advised. Oh?

After you've put this latest conflict to bed, maybe you ought to bring that up. Your relationship will never improve if neither of you can communicate. You're making some adjustments for her, you can ask her to make some for you.

Yes. We've [...] become very close since last year. Just as friends, though. He's long since gotten over me, and it would be cruel to tell him that literally a year later I've changed my mind.

Infuriatingly sound advice. I'll consider it. [...] Thanks.

Well, you know what I think about that sort of thing in general. Also, you can do better than Micah. I like him, but...

Anytime, Ramon.

I don't think that I can. Not that I think I'd be settling. It's only that he's unfortunately become a very important person to me. Don't worry, though, I'm not going to throw myself at him just because I had a moment of weakness. It'll pass. I'll just wait it out.

I won't go into why I think you can, but I will say I wish you gave yourself more credit.

It would be messy, for sure. And it will pass. These things always do, if you let them. [...] Do you think you have the space you need from him, though? For it to pass?

It doesn't matter anyway. I'm trying not to think about who does or doesn't deserve me, or who I do or do not deserve.

[...] I don't want to stop spending time with him. I just have to stop myself from entertaining these little moments that have me feeling like an idiot.

Fair enough, I won't push it.

It's up to you entirely; I just think for most people space can be helpful. But there's time enough during the summer if it drags out that long. [...] It'll pass, regardless.

Edited (feelings are stupid calvin, jeeze) 2017-12-03 03:23 (UTC)

Thank you.

Winter holiday's coming up too. I'll be back in Bath, he'll be here. Maybe with some distance I'll start to see I was just lonely and attaching my feelings to the first friend who complimented me at the wrong moment.

Edited (more british) 2017-12-03 03:42 (UTC)

[........] ~~Ugh~~

Winter break is short, so I wouldn't go with the idea that you'll come back completely free of feelings.

[...]

I think it's a little silly to dismiss it like that, Calvin. Just because particular feelings are ~~stupid~~ [...] unwise doesn't mean they're not real. I don't think you're that frivolous with your affections.

Maybe not completely free, but ideally less smitten.

[...] Perhaps. But the alternative is that my feelings are real and sincere, and I've made a series of terrible decisions by getting close to him. [...] And then there's Todd. I've made a right mess of this, and you're welcome to tell me so.

Smitten? That's not good.

[...]

I'm not a very good person to talk to about feelings - I've only ever had inklings of what you're going through, and they faded quickly. [....] Are you properly interested in Todd as well, then?

I think feelings are generally a mess, so I'm not sure if there would have been a good way to handle this.

You're a sensible person to talk to about feelings. If I went to anyone else, they'd be coming up with some half-baked scheme to get me to confess. [...] As for Todd, I like him, but I think we're just friends who happened to kiss once or twice.

It's a relief to finally say all this. I'm not asking you for advice, though, so don't worry too much.

I mostly can't commiserate, so I'm surprised it seems helpful. But, I'm glad. [...] That is a genuine concern here. A lot of people are very ready to throw themselves at others.

Well. If you need advice I can try. It just won't be nice, as usual.

[...] Ramon, listen to me.

I know who and what you are, and if I didn't want your input I wouldn't have told you about any of this. I'm not asking you to be nice, or coddle my feelings, or tell me true love will conquer all. I'm not hurt you're telling me this is a mess. It's what I needed to hear.

[.....]

Thanks.

And this is really a mess. But you'll be fine in the long run.

Cool.

Edited (I love Wilde) 2017-12-02 23:26 (UTC)

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