gooseberryhigh | (no subject)

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[posted after breakfast]

[FLIRTING 101: Austin, Hazel, Micah]

Austin, my dude, that was the LEAST SPICY showing of young love I have ever seen in my life???? I know you're NEW at this, but we need to get convincing quick if your UNCONTROLLABLE SEXUAL CHEMISTRY is going to intimidate Marie Patterson into leaving her begrudging breakfast bagel boyfriend. Lives are DEPENDING on this, Austin!!!!!!!

Lucky for you, I've gathered this school's FOREMOST AUTHORITIES on macking on boys. Two expert flirt masters who have ALSO learned, through trial and error, the best and worst ways to flirt with Todd!!!!! All we need is an ~OPEN MIND~.

[♥Calvin♥]

HEY have you ever seen Sweeney Todd??????

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~~Oh... my god~~ ~~Was it really that~~ ~~No it was~~

[...]

How many of you guys were watching?

Probably ONLY the people in yesterday's ward because that performance was hardly steamy enough to scandalize a teacher, LET ALONE a sophomore?????

I know this goes counter to your every instinct but we're not going for a LOW KEY ROMANCE here, Austin!!!!!!

So only my 38 closest friends. Cool.

~~What did I get myse~~ [...] Right.

So.

Is this the part where y'all list all the things I'm doing wrong if I wanna get to the right level of spice and scandal?

I think to GET INTO CHARACTER, we need to discuss your motivation first. Which is obv that 1) Todd is cute, and 2) you want to KISS him (again!!!!), and 3) the desire to kiss him upends your every inhibition.

But OBVIOUSLY you can't just like mash your face on his during mealtimes, you have to work up to it. You have to create ~~ANTICIPATION~~

~~I don't see why I can't j~~ And the sophomores we suspect are paying close enough attention that [...] mashing faces will seem suspicious?

[...] But also I sense that you really want to teach me about creating anticipation, so

No offense but I don't think anyone is going to believe you're suddenly a public smooch fiend?? So some build up will DEF help.

Hazel's right. If the sophs see Austin McNamara, SMOOCH FIEND, they're going to think you've been replaced by a Stranger and then will PROBABLY try to stake you in the heart or whatever.

Anyway so two things are key to build up: SMILING and EYE CONTACT. Austin, what do you usually do when you first see the boy you like?????

Can't say I didn't anticipate my life ending at the hands of armed children anyways.

~~I don't~~ ~~I mean~~ I [...] I'm more likely to avoid eye contact in case ~~they~~ [...] he sees me and thinks I like him. You know, how our ancestors intended us to communicate.

Hmmmmm some awkwardness would be cute and would probs sell it since you're kinda [.......] like that. BUT you can't just keep that up or it's boring and also nothing at all will happen.

I can also make self-deprecating jokes.

0% helpful, that doesn't add to your chemistry at all!!

LIKE, some humor is good???? But you really have to think of yourself as the PRODUCT YOU'RE SELLING. Would you want to flirt with a boy who's always like "I'm bad and awkward and you could do MUCH BETTER"??????

Okay but he can.

[.......] I mean we really only need to fool some sophomores anyways. It's not like I'm [...] you know, actually trying to get Todd to like me or anything.

Yeah but you have to be convincing or they'll never buy it. Like, if you're doing this you gotta be all in.

Like we're playing poker for Todd's soul, got it.

To be fair I feel like the sophs might just sacrifice Toddy after Marie's done with him so it's almost like it's for his soul.

If they end up pushing both of us in a volcano I leave you my collection of beanies.

I'll wear one once a year on the anniversary of your death, underneath one of Toddy's baseball caps.

BZZZZT!!!! Wrong!!!!!! Bad!!!!!!!!

The next time you see him, you CATCH HIS EYE and you SMILE AT HIM. If this thought terrifies you, then good!!!! ALL effective flirting should involve a certain degree of terror!!!!

Edited 2018-01-23 21:02 (UTC)

Question: Should he be terrified or just me?

Because I'm always terrified.

I have never in my life been scared of talking to a boy, but UNFORTUNATELY not everyone can pull off my level of unearned confidence.

ANYWAY I think you being terrified is kind of good????? Especially if the sophomores interpret it like you really like him which makes you nervous which makes your act EXTRA CONVINCING. Soooo maybe do like: 1) eye contact, 2) smile, 3) look away WHILE STILL SMILING like you're super embarrassed and kind of nervous. That would be HOT for sure!!!!

[..............] Okay I could probably pull that off.

Do you want a quick in-person lesson to teach you the cute shy look away thing?? Like, there's a perfect head angle for it, and then they will completely believe that you're super into him. And maybe Toddy'll even get embarrassed because it'll be so good and then it'll be at least half natural.

[...] Yeah okay fine. If it's as precise as you're saying I'm definitely fucked on my own.

I mean, it doesn't have to be that precise, but it's incredibly powerful if done correctly. I use it on the guy at the grocery store back home all the time.

For discounts or for fun? How powerful is this and do I need to register it as a weapon?

Oh 100% for fun, but he gave me some chocolate one time and was distracted enough that he forgot to ring up the milk.

You don't have to register it if you promise to never use it for evil.

Edited (flirting with boys is debatably good) 2018-01-24 00:32 (UTC)

I reserve the right to name what's considered evil though.

As a member of the National Regulatory Commission of Cute Looks I will allow it.

No, but I've heard of it. Some musical about a classic penny dreadful villain, serial killer barbers, Victorian England, etc.

It's going to be GREAT!!!!! Like even more ruthless blood-gushing murder than the winter play?????? We'll need STRONG SINGERS though. We lost a lot of our really good actor/singers to graduation sooooo I'm thinking maybe I should do a recruitment push in Choir????

I shouldn't be surprised. Nothing less could keep your interest.

I'm sure you could get a few people from Choir, but I quit, so you'll have to ask someone else to be your liaison.

It's also a TRAGIC TALE of doomed love!!!!! Universal appeal.

NP NP NP, I am a silver-tongued salesman when it comes to talking people into ignoring their shyness. Which is why I have a feeling I can talk YOU into auditioning next month ;) ;) ;)

Edited 2018-01-23 20:48 (UTC)

Not interested in happy endings?

You're setting yourself up for disappointment. I can't act.

People like happy endings, but they RELATE to sad endings more!!!!! Everyone knows what it's like to make a TRAGIC MISTAKE you know????

You just haven't TRIED!!!!!! I mean, you know the power of words. You know how to say things for maximum impact. Maybe you're a NATURAL and you don't even know it.

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