gooseberryhigh | Forward dated to 3/7

Fuck you. I haven't had a head injury in like a month.

But sure. I got time. Also Mom will lose her fuckin mind if you lose your hair. Go for it.

How are your collarbones?

I mean, it would take her attention off my weight.

You know, I think you fuckin like to see me hurt.

She's full of bullshit. You could have a 5.0 GPA and look like Lavender du Pont and she'd still find something wrong.

Only when it's mendable and also I can take credit.

I only listen to her 765% of the time anyway, don't worry. And I think we're underestimating the number of potential husbands who are into the no hair and no self esteem look anyway.

Bet Alistair would write me a poem about it.

Shit, as long as you let me take half the credit for this project. Tomorrow I'm free all day, but I've got Artificing today and I can take another crack at it.

He'd fuckin love it. Another charity case he can brag about. Rescuing pixie habitats, sad orphans, and you. Bet he'll have a ring ready at the Ilvermorny game.

You're going to regret that next time you wind up in some nerd-ass sling.

Think I'd be the favorite again if I make a political alliance with the du Ponts?

Quit trying to curse me. Quidditch season's started again. I'm not getting benched from my own goddamn team again, and I'll fuckin fight Key before I let him bench me from the school team either.

Shit, maybe. Getting you married to some rich asshole is all Mom ever wanted. [...] Me too, now that I told them about Clem. She keeps "forgetting" I've got a girlfriend whenever she writes.

I'm sure you'd get cookies and a hug if he thought he had to bench you, though. That should make up for it.

Tell her you can't marry Alistair because I've already wooed him. [...] You know we're getting off easy as long as we're at school and under eighteen.

~~Cookies and a hug won't get me noticed by scouts.~~ [...] If Key gives anyone hugs before we've won a game, I'm gonna be fuckin disappointed in him. Shit. Did you see our team bonding?

Hell. I know. [...] Dad basically said it's ok for me to be a C-average dumbass so long as I'm not a dumbass when I'm working for him. That's how you know he's given up on me.

I saw the toll it took on the showers afterwards. Get some ketchup in your ear?

I thought you always wanted them to give up on you and leave you alone. [...] You're not, though, right? Going to work for him?

Yeah and it was gross as fuck. Like, also weirdly fun and everyone loved it, but fuck bonding. [...] I guess still probably better than Mills and Wainwright's ideas for bonding.

I mean, I do want that. [...] Shit, I don't know. How fucked up is it that I can still get mad about them not giving a fuck? ~~What other options I do really~~

Haha you had fun, you felt bonded to your team.

It's the tip of the fucked up iceberg, and I don't think Dr. Perry knew what he was getting into with us. Every time you get a letter and I don't even get so much as a new skincare potion to take care of the bags under my eyes I grind another layer off my teeth. At least when they give a fuck we can kind of fool ourselves into thinking they're doing half this shit for our benefit.

And you didn't answer my question.

Fuck off. And don't ever tell them this, they'll think I like them.

How fuckin weak are we to still care? [...] You know, the way they talk, I used to fool myself into thinking they did see us as more than [...] fuck, I don't know. Their clones. Pet projects. They care so fuckin much about being the best, not like it's a bad thing to want your kids to be the best too. You know?

[.....] You're smart as fuck. You should go to Healer school. Far away from L.A.

Who do you feel the most bonded to now? Is it Toby? He's very sweet.

It feels pretty fucking weak, I'll tell you that much. Sometimes I just like try and figure out if they hate us because we're too much like them and they hate themselves, or because they love themselves so fucking much and we can't live up to them. [...] At least they seem to kind of treat Freddy like he's their kid or whatever.

[...] ~~But I~~ ~~You~~ ~~What ab~~ ~~I know I applied to New York bu~~ ~~I don't have to go, there are schools in LA~~ ~~There's one in San Francisco I cou~~ ~~Are you trying to ge~~ W

[..........] How long do you really think you could work for Dad before it came to blows?

Edited (b-lows) 2018-03-07 23:34 (UTC)

He's like a sophomore-sized dog. And I hate the fact that I even know the names of any fish sophs.

Shit. I dunno. Do you think it was just us being born at the same time that made them want to play Twin vs. Twin all the time, or would they have fucked us up anyway? Like... maybe it's just us, you know? Maybe they'd be ok with Freddy even if we didn't exist.

[...]

It's just three years, Ro. Long enough for Freddy turn 18. Long enough for you to use that genius brain of yours to get a plum Healer job.

I can't believe there are people in this school whose names you don't know. They're right there on the journals, Sylvester.

It would have been a hell of a lot harder to fuck us up the same way if we weren't the exact same age, wouldn't it? Couldn't be in the same leagues, the same classes, the same competitions. If we weren't twins I bet we would have just been fucked up in some generic way instead of this super cool and unique twin damage we've got going on.

~~If I go to New York that's~~ ~~that's too far I can't~~
Do you even know how to [...] not [...] escalate when he gets in one of his shitass moods?

I see a name I don't know, and I skim right over it. I wouldn't even know Chloe if you weren't fuckin mad at her all the time.

~~If we weren't twins~~ ~~Maybe if you didn't have me in your life~~ [...] What, like two rich brats who've never held a normal job? Spoiled fucks who maybe don't even talk to each other most of the time because they don't even like each other like a normal brother and sister. Or maybe just damaged in like the normal forest kidnapping way. Shit, that woulda been nice.

I mean, you've been doing it for 16 years. You think I can't do anything you can do if I just tried?

Then you should know everyone because I'm mad at them all the time too.

[...] I'm not going to accept forest kidnapping as an example of normal damage. I mean like overcompensating douchebags like the du Ponts or super cool jaded assholes like half the regular rich shitheads we go to school with.

I guess I just haven't seen you try. [...] Look, is this something you've actually thought about, or is this an impulse? ~~Don't get my h~~ ~~Don't screw me on th~~ What about Quidditch?

[...]

What the fuck do you want me to say, Ro? You want the full no bullshit truth? Fine. I want to get the fuck away from them. I've been dreaming about it, literal fuckin dreams, and now we're going to be 18 and it's like my brain is obsessed with leaving and never looking back. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to be my own person. I want to be free and play Quidditch on a team with my friends and not have Clementine dump me because I'm just some asshole in a suit. Like shit, I'm a damn good Chaser and I've got a real chance here, with the scouts coming. I get a good offer, and I won't need Mom and Dad's bullshit help for any of it. They won't have a single fuckin thing to hold over me.

Except you. Except Freddy. And I know you, you'll choose to stay miserable because you've been choosing misery for the sake of others all our goddamn lives. You'll call me a selfish jackass but you won't stop me from going. I hate every fucking thing about this, but short of kidnapping our brother and running to the other side of the world, I don't know how else to keep my promise to you.

[...] I can't be happy if you're not happy, Ro.

Yeah, [...] that's what I wanted. ~~But I~~ ~~This isn'~~ ~~I know how to~~ ~~I can't~~ ~~I can't~~

But I'm [.........] scared.

I know how to be miserable for the sake of others. I don't know how to leave you behind, I don't know how to let you be miserable, and most of all, I don't fucking know how to be happy.

[...] And for what it's worth, I don't think Clem would dump you for being just some asshole in a suit.

[...]

She should. Not like I'm that great of a boyfriend. ~~I just love h~~

[......]

You've got all your friends. You know? And... you'll still have me. Like, if I'm playing Quidditch, Dad's gonna be like, don't fuckin come home until you're ready to beg for a shitass job filing government forms. But if you're gonna be a Healer, then hell. The favorite twin for the next decade. We can Apparate and see each other.

Just three years. Remember when we were freshmen? Time fuckin flies, hey? We won't even feel it.

Do I need to stand behind you and threaten to beat her up if she breaks your heart? God knows I don't get to play scary big sister enough.

And yeah I remember when we were freshmen, but it also feels like a fucking lifetime has passed since just last year at this time. [...] That might be the forest hell talking, though.

[...] I don't fucking know. What if I come back and you're engaged to Lavender du Pont?