gooseberryhigh | (no subject)

Do we? Do we really tho?

Edited 2018-03-07 18:12 (UTC)

yes Bc it’s been weird af

but also like I’m p sure you weren’t even done being pissed off at me before you had to go and confess your love for me so it’s not gonna stop being weird until we talk about it

like adults and shit

Dios Mio Quentin please. I don't need this ~~even though Miguel just abandoned me and you're the only friend I have right now and~~. We're fine. Everything is fine.

Ok but I don’t feel fine and everything doesn’t feel fine and Karen said she was fine right before she threatened to punch me in the throat so I can’t even trust that sentence. Fine is such a bullshit word that’s only used when people are lying.

[...]

Why aren’t you fine?

For a lot of reasons I don't want to listen to you ignore and explain away, okay? I'm sure Karen is fine ~~she has~~.

I'm not mad about the dance anymore, okay? You're in the clear.

[...]

Is it about the gay stuff again, still?

Because ok listen

I don't wanna talk about the dance, because that was an accident. I wanna talk about the stupid love potion, because that made things weirder. For like me. But also prolly for you. Given your whole... internalized debate about sexuality. And for us. Since we kissed. And complimented eachother for half an hour. Which was [...] ~~What I imagine hell is like tbh~~ awkward in hindsight.

But also I felt like maybe I should say that like. I wasn't really lying tho. What I said to you under the potion I meant. I mean I'm not in love with you obvs, but all the other stuff was basically true shit. You are awesome, and you deserve better friends.

"The gay stuff again?" he says. Like I can just figure all that out really quickly.

I know, Quentin. The Amortentia didn't make me lie, either. Just be more honest with a love spin on what I might have said anyway in less nice terms.

But what do you want me to do, Quentin? Suddenly denounce my religion, jump out and yell "Hey guess what Goosefam, I'm gay as fuck!" Or whatever I am. I mean I can't be gay, gay because I do like guys. Bisexual? ~~No, that's g~~ Whatever. Something.

Idk. Maybe if I did ~~Miguel would talk to me, but Karen would feel weird around me~~ things would be better.

~~Why hasn't Miguel asked~~

Did I hurt Miguel's feelings?

No, dude, I'm not trying to rush your gay.

You don't gotta denounce anything, or share anything. Fuck Gooseberry and their cherry picking which pc matters more having asses. Those assholes act like we live in the dramatic reenactment segments of bullying psas, that ain't the real world. Things wont be better or worse if you gave a shit what gb thinks.

I wasn't trying to explain or ignore shit before. I was trying to tell you that hating yourself for shit you didn't get to pick for yourself is a dick move to yourself.

But this ain't even what I meant to talk about. I just wanted to say that I don't wanna be awkward around eachother anymore, so I'm gonna stop being awkward about it, if that's ok??

did you get in a fight with miguel? why would his feelings be hurt?

People hate themselves for all kinds of reasons, Quentin. How is this any different than you not believing you deserve good things because you think you're an asshole and not a good friend?

[...] I don't know if I did. I'm assuming you told him what was going on with me because you guys can't keep secrets. But he hasn't been talking to me, like at all. I just don't know what I did?

yeah but this isn't about me, and that's called being self-aware, not self-hatred. it's self-aware if it's true. We can take a consensus on who thinks i'm an asshole versus who things you being kinda gay is bad. I'm interested to see how Gaysberry High would vote.

and listen

you ain't wrong bc i did tell him because i'm trying to be honest and shit, which still feels like a conspiracy, but i'm doing it anyway. but i don't think he's mad. he was like born gay and doesn't get epiphany moments about sexuality. he thinks you need space. he told me to give you space, like way after i didn't give you space. and then i was gonna give you space, but then we fell in love with eachother, and now i'm giving you space but it's like accidental and feels wrong, so i decided to stop doing that.

You are an asshole but that doesn't mean you aren't NOT an asshole, too. But you forget that you can be both things and only paint yourself as a bad person who doesn't deserve good things. That ain't self aware, that's self-sabotaging and self-hatred.

Ok but that doesn't explain why he's not talking to me. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't get it. ~~I thought he would, I thought it would. I'm just not going to talk about this with anyone else~~ Anyway it doesn't matter. I'm not awkward, you're awkward. So if you stop being awkward then we're good.

idk i think it's more complicated than that but i don't wanna get weird and wax poetic about myself bc this ain't ebonhide and we don't do that shit here. it ain't about being an asshole or not being an asshole. it's about being soft or not being soft. i ain't trying to be soft. you're figuring out your gay shit, but i ain't never had a problem with that because my society and my culture on that compound didn't ever put emphasis on who i oughta wanna fuck. so that's not my problem. but it put emphasis on being hard or soft. so you're working through your gay shit, and i'm working through figuring out what type of person i wanna be.

like

does it matter if you're a good person or not if everybody thinks you're not? does it matter if you're straight or not if everybody thinks you're straight? how much of our reality is directly reliant on how the rest of the world thinks we are? And if that's what really matters, then shouldn't it matter just as much what we make other people think we are than who we really are? Making everybody believe you're an asshole because that's what you want them to believe oughta make you an asshole, even if you rescue kittens from trees in your off time and shit. which i don't. But that shit's a reflection of who we are. So I think it's more complicated than not accepting that people got layers to them. I already knew that. but like i'm already going on my self discovery journey. I been going on it for weeks now. That's the only reason I even signed up for that dumb potion experiment. I been discovering new shit bout me for weeks now.

I think for you to come to terms with the shit you're going through, you're going to need to go on a self discovery journey too. You need to jump outta the plane to figure out where you're gonna land, and if you figure out that you gotta fuck with dudes for the rest of your life and only check out girls from afar because that's what's best for you, then that's okay too.

[...]

ok i'll stop being awkward.

Want me to interrogate Miguel bout him swerving you?

Quentin please Cállate. Like why do you have to use so many words? You know I’ve only been speaking English fluently for like barely four years. I don’t know what things like “wax poetic” even means. What do you mean, about being soft? I don’t think that’s a big deal. You wanna be both, that’s what makes a good person. Someone who can be sensitive and understanding when the situation calls for it. Someone who can put their feelings aside and step up when that’s needed. You should be both.

Um

Can I just not answer your ~~hypathe~~ ~~hyperthe~~ paragraph full of what ifs and move on to me telling you not to ward Miguel? It’s not a big deal. I’ll get over it. I’m already over it.

And listen. I just [...] maybe I am a bit gay. Maybe it’s fine if I say that and be that and act that and maybe [...] relations before marriage is okay too but maybe not for me. And maybe I don’t act on my feelings or maybe I do. But I need to think about it for myself and decide what I can live with. So all this talk about why it’s okay or not okay or who thinks its okay or who doesn’t think its okay doesn’t matter to me or change my opinion at all. Telling me about how you view God and the things you think He should care about don’t change my opinion at all. I gotta decide that for myself, and I will, ok? I just need time.

If you weren’t like a gross younger brother I’d probably love you for real though, for being all the good things you are. Even if people don’t see your [...] layers. So, I guess the Amortentia wasn’t too far off. I love you like family, anyway, and that counts.

wax poetic means like ... talk about a lot. dude how fucking annoying is it to talk to me bc i don't even spell shit out. i'm like the least helpful person to talk to.

ok but listen, that's what i been trying to say. i'm not telling you shit about god or how he feels. i'm literally telling you to do what you gotta do when you decide what you gotta do. like we're speaking the same shit here. YOU NEED A SPIRIT JOURNEY. and i'll like, give you Gatorade and like other health shit when you get back from it. whatever you need. unless you need that shit cooked because i'm not allowed to start fires anymore.

ok good. i love you like family too. even tho you be mean sometimes, it's cool. and as family, i'll say i think you're lying bout miguel not being a big deal but i won't ward him bc i'm trying to be mature and not do too much now, and bc you asked and shit.

Why didn't you just say that! ~~You use a lot of words to not say m~~

Oh. Okay we're on the same page then. A spirit journey? Break me into the sauna and we got a deal. No please don't cook me anything, you can leave all the cooking to me.

I'm not lying. It's okay. He'll talk to me when he wants to.

ok bet (Bet means 'we have come to an agreement') I'mma use easier to understand shit from now on

k i got you, i'mma break you into the sauna, i just need time to finesse it.

idk about that. [...] I mean, I don't know about that. When I was doing too much before, convincing the whole damn school and all their second cousins that I have some unrequited crush on him, and was acting weird, Miguel didn't say shit about it. He's loud, but I don't know if he's actually confrontational when something makes him uncomfortable. Motherfucker swerves like he's getting paid for it, it's more like. [...] Swerve means that you quickly move to the side and avoid the situation being brought you, often times pretending like you didn't even notice it happening. The situation is usually a person doing a thing you want no part of. Examples of doing a thing: making contact with you, shaking your hand, asking you out. Swerve is never a good thing for the person doing the thing.

I had to literally* spell the situation out to him with crayola and finger paint before he got it. And I'm not sure he really got it got it, but at least he didn't try to swerve me.

He thought I was straight. Which obviously brings me back to my second what if question. Being less than straight didn't matter to somebody that views me as straight, because our perception is reality, and the perception other people have of us is also reality.

*Literally in this sentence is hyperbolic. I did not finger paint him a picture.

[...]

Sorry. But my thing is, he doesn't notice shit all the time, was the point of that. And I don't notice shit all the time. Which is why you deserve better friends, because you notice shit, and you don't get that out of us. So he might need you to literally spell out the situation for him with crayola and finger paint.

Edited (lemme elaborate on what swerve means jordan. quentin has to explain every slang term like a middle aged out of touched white person.) 2018-03-08 06:45 (UTC)

You know I see you say ok bet so many times and never knew exactly what you were saying?? I get it now. ~~Why are you lazy with language~~ I'm not dumb though Quentin, I'm just trying to translate and it can be overwhelming when you send me a thousand words in one go.

Spirit journey in the sauna. I need to get all the other preparations. Not that I know what those are. I just know usually saunas are involved in spirit journeys. And drugs but we don't have those. ~~Do we?~~

I know what idk is Quentin. ~~Oh so that's what swerve means~~ I know that about him too, you know, it's not like Miguel and I haven't been friends for a bit now. But that's not just a Miguel thing, that's an all you stupid boys thing. You all keep quiet and don't say anything about anything. You guys need to be more [...] verbal about what you want.

But what do I know. I guessed that you both liked each other and were being weird about it and have been the shoulder for you guys to cry and/or bitch on for a while so don't listen to me :) :) :)

I don't need to tell him. What did he say to you exactly when you told him what was going on with me? ~~I can bet it wasn't very~~

Edited (Please explain all slang terms forever as Quentin. Its pure gold. ) 2018-03-08 18:48 (UTC)

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