gooseberryhigh | a list is posted in the atrium this morning before the auction...

OFFICIAL AUCTION BLOCK RATINGS!!!

Gabriela Flores SKULL RATING: 33

ACTUAL RAY OF LIGHT!!!! Good face, good personality, good good body. ~~Waaait is Bash reading this???? OK BASH you can cross this out and write something way less objectifying if you want!!~~ ~~nah, it’s cool. as long as it’s cool with gabs. cause, i mean, true? my main lady’s gorgeous.~~ Even the unicorn approves of her.

Ursula de Luca SKULL RATING: 79

A very good skull. Practically spherical. Symmetry is a sure sign of exceptional genes. She’d probably allow you to be a trophy spouse who did minimal work if you’re good looking enough. Ursula only associates with the highest calibre of people, and to be seen on her arm would be worth any money spent winning her attention.

Todd Skynner SKULL RATING: 67

There’s always an appeal to watching a trainwreck. Will you be the one to save him from himself? Comes with free ghost bride. I saw him eat a potato chip off the floor once.

Hieronymus Lee SKULL RATING: 11

I hear he’s going to be the MACUSA president one day, someone needs to get in there early if they want to be the first lady/man.

Spencer Sweet SKULL RATING: 44

A hot mess is still hot. Dating someone who’s in jail is kind of romantic(?). He’s a REALLY GOOD KISSER ~~and also really good at~~ If he wears leather pants day of, he might get bumped up to number four.

Cole Moss SKULL RATING: 7

Paint me like one of your french girls. SUPER CUTE and deserves a nice date with someone super nice so like MAYBE put him lower in your personal ranking if you’re like really mean please????

Casey Patterson SKULL RATING: 79

Sexy and he knows it. Who knows if you can keep his attention, though. I’ve seen his NAKED CHEST soooo many times now that I can’t even enjoy objectifying him anymore????

Jefferson Key SKULL RATING: 84

Platonic ideal of average. ONLY MILDLY DATEABLE REALLY!!!! Every time he walks through a doorway I cringe because I’m convinced one of these days he’s going to hit his head on the frame.

Phineas Bones SKULL RATING: 21

Too new. Who is this? Is Hogwarts sending us their leftovers? I’d still kiss him over BAD SKULL SANCHEZ though???

Concordia Knight SKULL RATING: 24

Ugh, no one is actually that peppy. Her hair smells like a cupcake. Probably won’t even step on you if you ask nicely.

Cameron Carney SKULL RATING: 89

All flash no substance. All that glitter will never get out of your hair???? And let’s not forget the ~~rumour~~ rumor that all the older Ebonhides are unusually close. His cabin’s the worst of the lot.

Olivia Sanchez SKULL RATING: 13

Not even the most appealing prefect. All prefects are at a mild disadvantage when it comes to dateability, honestly. This is a testament to the appeal of more highly ranked prefects on this list. Hasn’t bought even one new pair of shoes this year.

Jaime Castillo SKULL RATING: 42

Absolutely a philanderer. I can see it in his eyes. Definitely in love with everyone on his SUPREMELY ATTRACTIVE Quidditch team and will never put you or your heart first!!!!

Adeline Foster-Hayes SKULL RATING: 94

Her friends will always be watching, waiting for you to make even one wrong move. I think one of her potions made me SUPER SICK once!!!!! Who’s really spreading the plague around here????

Ennis Harper SKULL RATING: 53

Let him date a ghost. No living person will satisfy him. (Basically a ghostburger already.) We asked the unicorn for an opinion but were given no comment.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

if you wanna

Cole doesn't know what a skull rating is but most of what's written about him seems well-intentioned? Even if he's never painted a French girl. Not knowing quite what he's supposed to do with this, he scribbles an uncertain' thank you' in his small, cramped handwriting next to his rating.

also if you wanna

Ira sees this, proceeds to feel the second ounce of regret he's felt this year.
But not really.

"Huh." Spencer cocks his head. At least he's ranked... okay? "I guess I should go change into leather pants."

Ennis frowns when he sees himself at the bottom of the ranking, but nods thoughtfully in response to his critique. They've sure got him pinned. But what's a ghostburger? And is 53 skulls good?? It seems good... A nice and safe middle-of-the-road number.

Predictably, Casper scowls when he sees this list. He thinks the auction is an absurd idea in general but this is worse. Especially given what it's got to say about Cameron (which is bullshit), his cabin (which isn't true), and Casey. Casey Patterson is absolutely not sexy. People need to stop spreading that rumor.