(no subject)

[odder]

WHO: Ariadne Flint and Jade Otterwell
WHAT: Jade reads a letter, and then goes to answer it
WHERE: Near Dr. Perry’s office
WHEN: Tuesday, after this
STATUS: Completed log!
WARNINGS/RATINGS: M for Mean Girls and Mush and ok it’s not that bad

Tucked away in a corner of the library, Jade had read Ari’s letter ten times in one hour. At least that. She was alone, on purpose, in the very quietest chair she could find so her heart was free to twist every which way without anyone seeing. She hates herself for being this surprised, when all the pieces are clicking together so well now. She can’t see how she’ll ever be brave enough to respond to this in kind. She’d tried to write back, but frantically scribbled it out immediately. It has to be done in person. Somehow, against the screaming in her brain, Jade’s feet carry her to Dr. Perry’s room, a few minutes before Ari’s session with him was bound to be over. She has to say something. The letter’s folded up reverently, slid into her Astronomy book, in her bag where it can’t just fall out. She’s leaning against a locker across from the office door, and it dimly occurs to her that if this was a movie, she’d be smoking a cigarette. Maybe she’d even like to be; it’d be something to maintain an image that isn’t a stupid, nervous little girl. She twists her hair around a finger, nonchalant. As the door, opens, she centers herself and stares straight at it so she can be sure not to miss Ari. Even if Jade had somehow missed Ari, there was no way Ari was going to miss Jade. She'd been badly distracted while speaking to Dr. Perry, wondering if she might be able to check her journal before she left his office. For the entire hour she'd tuned him out to try to convince herself that it would probably take time for Jade to respond anyway, and she can't spend every second between now and then waiting for it to happen. When he finally lets her go an eternity later, she drags her feet as she gathers her things, suddenly apprehensive to leave Dr. Perry’s office. She's surprised to see Jade waiting for her in the hallway. Her fingers tighten into a white-knuckled grip around her bag strap as she halts in the threshold of the office. But it must be a good thing, that Jade's here, mustn't it? If she didn't want to be friends anymore, if she couldn't stand to speak to Ari, then she wouldn't be here at all. Taking a few steps towards Jade, she tries not to look frightened or guilty. Her heart is beating uncomfortably in her chest and her breath gets stuck in her throat, but she manages to get her wits about her. "Did you read it?" she asks before she can stop herself. It's a stupid question. Jade's been waiting a week, and she'd seen the curiosity and eagerness in her eyes. But she has to ask. She can't even think about anything else. Ari doesn’t try to escape, and that’s as much as Jade thinks she can ask for right now. She keeps the sigh of relief to herself and just nods, looking at the ground. The letter had said how brave Ari thought she was. She doesn’t feel brave at all right now. Not when she feels like she should strip down all the walls she’s built so carefully. Not in public like this. She tries to meet Ari’s eyes, though. No one can know anything is different. Not yet. She pushes herself off the wall and over to her friend’s side. “Of course I did. We should…” but she doesn’t want to phrase it as a demand, so, “can we talk somewhere?” “Yes,” Ari says, releasing the death-grip on her bookbag. “Of course.” That’s what she says, anyway, but her tone reads more like someone being lead to an executioner’s block. Talking isn’t something she’s good at, and even though she’d promised to do whatever it’d take to fix her friendship with Jade, she’d been hoping she might avoid it. She’s not ready to explain herself, or justify the things she’s done. She doesn’t have good reasons for half of them. But still she nods her head towards the end of the hallway nobody’s walking towards, where there are a few classrooms and much less foot traffic. It affords them a little privacy without the long awkward walk that would be required to get to either of their cabins. As they’re crossing the short distance, near one another but not touching (and Ari might usually link her arm with Jade’s, if they were walking in the same direction, which has always felt natural before), she tries to compose her thoughts. “What did you want to talk about?” she asks while they’re still walking, not to be obstinate, but just because the waiting might drive her crazy. She can’t quite look up at Jade as she asks it, instead focusing on her shoes. Have they not read the same letter? Jade tilts her head toward Ari, as though to ask. There’s really only one thing to talk about. And Jade isn’t ready for it. She should’ve gone to Lucas, or Bash, and talked to them first. She should’ve delayed this at least until lunch, prepared in some way for what she had to say. It’s too late for any of that now. She doesn’t have time to act any differently. Jade at least doesn’t answer Ari’s question until she’s scoped out a room, closed the door, and locked it for good measure, like this is a secret meeting. Maybe between spies. Maybe if she pretends that they’re assassins who have to exchange vital information right now, this will be easier. She can’t seem to find a character to fall into today. None of the myriad roles she’s watched and portrayed have prepared her for this. Instead, she takes a deep breath. “You should’ve told me it was you. At the masquerade.” Her voice isn’t accusing. Just small. She wouldn’t have ever called Ari anything but brave. Ari steals a glance at Jade as she’s closing the door, distracted enough by her presence that she doesn’t fully process the implications of locking a door behind them. But once Jade’s attention is back on her, she can’t bear to look her in the eye. She sighs and sits down on a desk. “I know I should have,” she says, folding her hands on her lap. She doesn’t have a good excuse. And if she’d just taken her mask off in the first place, she never would’ve said any of that to Jade in the first place. And then, maybe… well. “I’m sorry I didn’t, but if you want me to explain myself… I don’t know that I can.” Any more than she already has, anyway. She was too scared to tell her face-to-face, and that was really all there was to it. “And… I’m sorry for what I said,” she continues. “That you don’t like anybody.” Jade shakes her head. She doesn’t need another explanation. She’s glad she knows now. She’s just replaying that conversation in her mind, and she’s plagued by guilt. She really should stop treating people like she had that night. Ari hadn’t deserved all her walls on display like that. Jade stands near the desk where Ari’s sitting, her own hands playing at the corner of the surface. She snaps her head up to make eye contact, a deliberate choice. “No. It’s just. I would’ve never told you the things I did. You’re the bravest person I know. I’m glad you told me now. And.” This next part is the scariest, but Jade faces it and everything else with a steady inhale and impassive expression. Today, though, her breath shakes into her lungs. Her eyes are too pleading. “And the next time you want to kiss me...you should kiss me.” She’s closer. Ari looks at Jade’s hands, bracing her own weight on the desk so their fingers are within reaching distance. She doesn’t move her hands or her head, though, as Jade speaks. At first it’s what she might’ve expected - reassurances. But it’s the next part that comes as a surprise. Her head snaps up as Jade speaks, and she finds herself blushing at the intense look on her face. On the desk, her hand tightens into a fist. It’s not easy to misinterpret, what Jade has said, but she still feels… cautious. “You’d want that?” she asks, not breaking eye contact with Jade. Jade knows better than to hesitate. She nods, right away. “Yes. Of course. I...” She what? Her words are always so tied up when it comes to things like this. She doesn’t understand kissing. Relationships are mysteries. Still, ever since the day Amortentia made them kiss, there’s been a small hole in Jade’s heart where she once felt safe. She wants it back. Clinging to Ari in every way she could has helped, a little, but this feels like a more natural solution. She just hadn’t thought it had been an option before. She shakes her head now, because there’s no easy way to say any of it. “I have, before. And I do.” A smart person would just kiss Ari now, but she’s too busy trying to remain even a little composed. She reaches up to tug at her hair, forcing it back behind an ear when it keeps falling out of place. She’s not prone to nervous tics, but always looks very put out when she has to employ them. Her fingers move away, down, brushing at Ari’s hand. It helps to have some direction. Ari had been so ready to talk her down - to insist that she didn’t have to want that, not for Ari’s sake anyway - that she doesn’t know what to say. She loosens her clenched fingers at Jade’s touch, tentatively twining her fingers through Jade’s. But though she relaxes a fraction, she’s still wound tight. “What if…” she says, reaching out to touch Jade’s hair with her free hand. She’s undoing all Jade’s hard work. “I want to kiss you now?” It’s a question with an obvious answer, and even though she’s still moving slowly and deliberately, she can follow directions. She’s turned her shoulders to face Jade, her hand is still in her hair, and she leans forward - just a little. Slowly enough that Jade could still push her away, if she’s changed her mind. Jade doesn’t hesitate anymore than they already had. She presses her palm against Ari’s first, then leans in the rest of the way to let their lips meet too. It’s devoid of any of the posturing savagery that her Grotto partners had to endure. She kisses Ari simply, gently, to answer the question. She closes her eyes and for a moment, feels peace again. The last time they kissed – when it had only been the fault of the Amortentia – Ari had lost all this warmth and fondness to the cold realization that she hadn’t been in control of herself. But there’s no sudden chill now; everything is fine, and Jade wants this, and as baffling as that is, it’s good. She keeps her face close to Jade’s even as she breaks away to breathe. Her hand is still tangled in Jade’s hair, and she rests their foreheads together for a moment as her breathing evens. She has a dozen questions that all sound girlish and stupid even in her mind – like why and for how long and really, me? But she sets them aside and kisses Jade again. Very chastely, still, on the lips. And it only lasts a moment, but it still feels like it’s been ages that they’ve been in this room. “You’ll have to tell me to stop,” she says against Jade’s cheek. “I might never want to.” Jade’s free hand had looped carefully around Ari’s waist, holding her in close. Loose enough that she could break away,at first. Then she holds on more tightly. She gets swept up in the idea that this is easy, this is safe. She hasn’t been this at rest since her forest-dream. But this isn’t artificial. This isn’t something she’ll resent later. That adds a layer she hasn’t felt before. (And why haven’t they tried this before?) When Ari breaks away, Jade nudges her forehead against hers. “No.” Now that they’ve started, stopping sounds like the worst idea. “We can stay til we starve and die, if you want.” In her head, this probably sounded like a very romantic thing to say, as she finds herself smirking against the corner of Ari’s mouth to cover for it. “We can’t,” Ari laughs, pressing her face into Jade’s hair. She rests one arm around Jade’s shoulders, pulling her into a hug that lasts a long moment. But they really can’t stay here forever. A few more minutes, maybe, but… She sighs, drawing back to look at Jade. “I don’t want to go out there,” she says quietly. Jade’s stomach falls a little, because she remembers. Of course it’s inevitable that when they step out the door, none of what has happened in this room will be real. They could spend weeks and months pretending again. Out there has everyone else. She finds herself pressing close again, looking at Ari’s shoulder to avoid looking desperate. “We’ll come back.” She finds herself saying, soft. “Right?” Ari doesn’t quite miss the look on Jade’s face, but doesn’t comment on it. And she can’t help but smile at what she says, even though her mind is similarly busy. (She wants to say that she’s going to be braver now, but what people think matters to her, and not everywhere is as accepting as this school is. And her classmates - they’re going to be senators and celebrities and movers and shakers - and it will matter if they know. But she tries not to think about it, not too much, and not right now.) “What?” she asks, unable to keep a small smile off her face at Jade’s words. “Back to this classroom?” Jade smiles a little at that, tracing Ari’s fingers with her own, like it’s the only time she’s going to see them again. This is different enough and valuable enough that she wants to remember it. Even if they don’t come back. Then she forces her eyes up, rolling them gently. “There are other places, too.” Ari nods. There are lots of places. They spend most of their time together already, and they have plenty of places they could hide away. “Then yes,” she says, tucking Jade’s hair behind her ear. “But we do have to go to lunch.” There’s a tentative question in her statement. Maybe she’s hoping Jade will say they can just skip lunch go to one of those hiding places instead. Ari knows there’s a conversation they’ll have to have, though - one that she knows she won’t be good at, and is afraid of having. “Maybe…” she begins. “Can it be a secret? Just… for now?” “We’ve got almost an hour until lunch.” Jade protests, breathing out in something like a sigh. She thinks this means there will be later, a next time. The idea of it being secret is almost a relief. She’s worried enough about all of this without the idea of anyone watching and analyzing right away. The idea of a secret with Ari, this secret with Ari, is more appealing than not. Jade’s smile reflects that. “They’d just be annoying, anyway.” She says quietly, nodding as conspiratorially as possible. As if it’s a contract that they have to seal, Jade kisses her again, lingering and longer, like the minutes from now to lunchtime would drag on forever. Jade kisses Ari before she can say anything else, but that suits her just fine. She slides off the desk, pulling Jade closer by her hips. It's alright. They've got some time. She's a little breathless as she pulls away, and definitely not thinking straight, because the only thing she can come up with to say is absolutely idiotic. "You're a better kisser than Ruby," she says before she can stop herself. At least it's true. Jade leans back to create distance like she’s been burned, shoulders pressing back, but hips remaining in Ari’s hold. Her expression is unadulterated disgust. “Of course I am.” She bites out. She tilts her head to follow it up. “You’re thinking about kissing Ruby right now?” Jade knows it’s a compliment, and probably amusing, but Jade’s jealous streak means she sees red at that name. Not a pretty look, but she hasn’t ever been able to help it. Ari sighs a heavier sigh than her last few, pulling her hands back to herself as she takes a step away from Jade. She doesn't really want to, but she needs the space to say what's going to say. She picks at her own fingernails as she speaks. "I haven't kissed very many girls," she says, glancing at Jade to gauge her reaction. "And... only one I've liked. I suppose I thought it might be... easier, to kiss Ruby. Because I hate her. And because it felt wrong." Jade doesn’t understand that. She doesn’t think she ever will. Ari being a few paces away means she has the ability to cross her arms over her chest, for protection. “It’s fine.” She says, though she’s not sure it is. “I haven’t kissed very many people at all. I don’t want to kiss most people, I guess.” She leaves it unsaid, the fact that she definitely wants to kiss Ari. “But you don’t.” Jade hates way this sounds, even in her head. But she hates Ruby more. She gets everything she wants, effortlessly. It isn’t fair. But she isn’t here. And Jade trusts Ari, more than anyone. She tries to make everything sound casual. “You’re not...planning to kiss her anymore.” If there’s a question in that, Jade only lets it show in her eyes. “I’m not,” Ari insists quickly, because she isn’t. “I’m not. I just… couldn’t tell you then. I kissed her because I wanted to kiss you.” She’s rubbing her palm, pushing her thumb hard enough against her other hand that it nearly hurts. She wishes she was still touching Jade. That was better. “I know that’s stupid,” she says. She’s not usually one for self-flagellation, and she chews her tongue for a second before continuing. “I know I’ve been so stupid.” That clears it up as much as Jade needs. She rolls her eyes, to get any mention of Ruby out of it. She should probably apologize for not being open, or easy to approach. This is doubtless her fault too. Instead of admitting this she steps decidedly closer and slips one of her hands between Ari’s, trying to at least get her attention back. “Stop. You haven’t. She doesn’t matter. When I poison her, it won’t even be with something interesting.” She’s mostly joking, to cheer Ari up, but there’s a little merciless glint in her eye anyway. Someday. Ari thinks that Jade’s being a little too forgiving with her, that she has been a bit stupid. But she doesn’t say that, just smiles as Jade moves closer to her again. She’s glad she closed the distance. Ari’s used up all her bravery for the day and was afraid to do it herself. “You’re right,” she says. “None of that matters right now.”